I was watching the following video by Shannon Boodram (Shan BOODY) and she said something that really makes sense to me in terms of what’s happening in my life and the lives of some people around me.
People think it’s a lot of rejection… Rejection would be a luxury. It’s silence. You hear nothing back. There is no flow or current. It’s the middle of the ocean.
In case you’re confused, she’s talking about what life is like when you’re looking to buss in Hollywood, but it’s a statement that applies generally, especially if you’re either currently a tertiary level student/drop-out/unemployed graduate. And if you’re a creative with tertiary level experience, the feeling could be tenfold for all you really know.
I never was consciously aware of this, but as a creative with a mental disorder, the problem is not having something that constantly fosters my creativity. When I’m in a space in time when there’s always something to do, even to the point of having too much, that’s when I’m most content and I feel like I’m fulfilling my purpose – whatever that may be. But if the projects get done and it looks like there’s no sequel, I start virtually pulling my hair out and screaming for some activity. But that’s when it gets tricky.
Sometimes when you cry wolf, the universe takes you seriously and it hurls the first thing it can find in an attempt to make you happy. And so, momentarily, you’re blinded by joy because of the mere fact that you can actually do something with your time – not realizing that the job isn’t making you happy.
And what else can you really expect after all those months of going to failed interviews or consistently sending out unanswered resumes? My partner told me the other day that the route number of the bus we were on was symbolic to him because he spent so many days coming in from said failed interviews. This time though, he was going out in the opposite direction as a result of one of the very few successful one.
Rejection is a luxury. I’ve had so many breakdowns because I never had that luxury. I thought the purity of the silence I was slapped with meant I wasn’t good enough for the job or even worthy enough for a one-line “We regret to inform you..” email. I thought all my high school and university accolades were a joke.
And now I’m finally in a job, I feel like I’m rejected on the daily because as a part-time, not-really-an-official employee, I’m not made part of any decision-making meetings, asked for my opinion or received, nor given access to resources needed to get the job done. And the creative juice is drained outta me each day that goes by. But what sustains me is the fact that I’m not hearing absolutely nothing anymore, because silence is maddening. But accepting rejection as a luxury item isn’t healthy either. So for now, I’m working on making some noise.
Watch Shannon’s video: